The Unexpected Success of
Trump's Space Wall
by Wondra Vanian
The Space Wall Initiative was heralded as the greatest advancement in the battle against illegal aliens since the creation of the passport. It was going to be the Trump administration’s crowning achievement: a wall erected in space that stretched from sea to shining sea. Americans would, at long last, be safe from invaders–at least the ones coming from space, rather than their southern border.
That wall, they’d given up on just three years into Trump’s presidency. A wall running across the entire border between America and Mexico? It was just too difficult; it couldn’t be done.
The Space Wall, however, had some pretty serious backing from some ridiculously wealthy people who were happy to throw money at the greatest space structure created by mankind. Some pointed out that there had never actually been a documented case of an illegal alien from space but, as always, the facts were easy enough to shout down. And when Elon Musk–whose eccentricity crept closer to madness each day–got behind the plan, it was as good as done.
Not everyone was as thrilled to see the dark, looming shadow of the Space Wall take shape above them as President Trump, his Alt-Right fan base, and the grey men who valued money more than their own lives. Among those whose voices rose loudest in protest were the Deluded Dissenters at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
The men and women who had made the exploration and understanding of space their lives’ missions argued against President Trump’s proposed Space Wall on every platform available to them. They begged the administration to rethink its plans. They called the Space Wall a death sentence… but the shouts of “Build the Space Wall! Keep illegal aliens out!” were too loud to be silenced.
So, NASA stopped fighting. As the Space Wall slowly blocked out the sun, throwing America into perpetual darkness, the only people who could have stopped it were conspicuously silent.
It came as no real surprise when Alaska and Hawaii opted to leave the Union before talk of their own Space Wall extensions could begin. President Trump assured the people it was for the best. After all, he said via official tweet, the people who lived in those so-called states were more Canadian and Japanese than they were American, anyway. GOOD RIDDANCE to them!
Trump insisted from morning ‘til noon (when he had his nap,) from late afternoon to dinner time (after which he went to bed) that darkness was a good thing. Your enemies, he argued, couldn’t see you in the dark. What of America’s other enemies? Both the northern and southern borders were declared safe in weeks because not a single soul tried to gain entry through either after the country was swallowed up by the shadow of the Space Wall.
With the caravan of migrants finally halted and the mighty Space Wall protecting them from above, citizens who were threatened by such things finally safe. Sure, their crops might wither, and their children might lament the loss of playing in the sun, but it was a small price to pay for safety.
Except, when the attack finally came, they weren’t safe. Not at all.
The attack didn’t come from the South, where drug lords once threatened to flood their streets with cocaine, turning their children into prostitutes and junkies. Nor did it come from the North, where pot-smoking gays happily traipsed through to corrupt their children with dildos and leather-clad parades. It didn’t even come from the sky.
It came from within.
NASA, it was soon revealed, had not stopped fighting. NASA would never stop fighting; they just fought smarter. While the Trump administration busied itself with ways of keeping extra-terrestrials out, NASA researched ways of letting them in. And, because they utilized the tools Trump didn’t possess (logic and intelligence,) they succeeded.
It took longer to build a portal than it did to build a wall but build it they did. Then, NASA used that portal to make contact with intelligent life on other worlds. Honestly… after everything that had happened since Donald J. Trump first took the oath of office, it was just nice to find any kind of intelligent life, anywhere.
The aliens they contacted took pity on the good people of NASA, on the suffering people of America. They promised to free them from their tormentors–which was why, when Trump woke, eager to attend his annual Parade of Praise on the Fourth of July, he was met with a bit of a shock. Literally.
At Trump’s advanced age, it wasn’t strictly necessary to use quite as much force as they did to subdue him. But NASA officials had asked nicely, so the aliens obliged. Even as he writhed in agony on the floor of his luxurious, gold-plated bedroom, he spewed nonsensical abuse at the aliens. After that, they needed no coaxing to up the voltage.
It took the aliens’ ships a little longer to arrive but, less than a year after the construction of the Space Wall, Americans stood on the streets to cheer its destruction. Light flooded the nation. Hope returned. Katie Bouman, the woman responsible for the first ever photograph of a black hole and current Administrator of NASA, took to the airways to introduce Americans to their new allies. Every television channel (with the except of Fox News, whose reporters had sealed their doors and insisted they would not come out until there were no illegal aliens in America) ran her speech.
“My fellow Americans,” she said with all the authority she could muster while flanked between two neon pink, glowing, feathered aliens, “welcome to a new age. We have lost many of our friends, family, and neighbors during the long, dark years of Donald Trump’s reign. We will never forget them-” She let a somber moment pass, then smiled. “-but now we have new friends. New neighbors. Companions to work alongside us as we make America great again.”
The roar of applause from gathered reporters was only a little ironic.